More Tarot Humor: What If... Tarot Publishers Handled Their Customer Service Like a Tech Company?

Technician: (Answering phone.) Thank you for calling U.S. Games Systems' customer service hotline. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi. I recently bought one of your decks, and when I was doing a reading with it today, I noticed that one of the cards looked… well, a little "fuzzy." The image is blurry.

Technician: I see. Are you plugged in?

Customer: I beg your pardon?

Technician: Are you plugged into the ethereal plane, the Akashic fluid – any kind of power source? It's a common mistake. If you aren't solidly connected to an intuitive channel of some sort, it will be difficult to get a clear reading.

Customer: Uh, well… yeah. I think it's safe to say that I'm "plugged in." I really just think that the card was misprin…

Technician: (Interrupting.) Okay, then… have you tried rebooting your deck?

Customer: (Confused.) Wha…? "Rebooting"… the deck?

Technician: Yes, sometimes little "glitches" can get stuck in the aura of a card. Reshuffling and re-dealing the cards will reset the deck and clean out anything that may be interfering with its proper operation.

Customer: Hmmm… I don't really see how that's going to help. But I'll give it a try.

(Pause while the customer gathers up the cards, shuffles them, and lays out the spread again.)

Customer: Okay… what do I do next?

Technician:Try to proceed with the reading. Did the problem reoccur?

Customer: Actually, that same card did come up in the spread again. And yes… it's still blurry.

Technician: Alright. Can you tell me what application you were running when you first noticed the problem?

Customer: Application?

Technician: The program you were using when the problem occurred.

Customer: Er, program? Do you mean, what spread was I using? That would be the Celtic Cross.

Technician: Mmm hmmm. That's a pretty old application, you know.

Customer: So… is that a problem?

Technician: Technically, no. But in general, you'll find that you get better performance out of something that's a little more up-to-date. I'd recommend using "Umbrae's 3-Card Happy Squirrel Multiversal Layout, revision 2.7."

Customer: Um… I've never even heard of that one. I'd really rather not switch… I'm perfectly happy with my Celtic Cross sprea… er, application. It's always worked just fine for me before.

Technician: I see. Well, then, what operating system are you running under?

Customer: Could you repeat that in English, please?

Technician: Okay. (Slower and louder.) What… operating… system… are… you… running… under?

Customer: Okay, that was completely unhelpful. Let's see… operating system… operating system… are you maybe asking what deck I'm using? I'm using the Rider-Waite deck.

Technician: Which version?

Customer: (Frustrated.) What do you mean, "which version?" The basic version. The one everybody uses. The standard size that comes in the yellow box with a picture of "The Magician" card on it.

Technician: Oh, yes – that would be version 1.0. I'm sorry, but we don't support that release anymore.

Customer: What do you mean you don't "support" that release anymore?!

Technician: We can't support all previous versions of the system. It's simply not cost efficient; providing continued support for outdated systems would drive up the price of the product. I'm sure you understand. You'll need to upgrade to the "Radiant" edition. If you want to give me a credit card number for payment, I can get the upgrade sent out to you within 24 hours.

Customer: Really, that's okay… other than the bad card, I'm perfectly happy with the deck I have.

(Pause.)

Technician: (Helpfully.) The new release has an attractive dark blue back with a lovely star pattern…

Customer: (Shouting.) Look! I don't want an upgrade! I don't need an upgrade! The backs of the cards on the deck I have are just fine. I just have a misprinted card that I want replaced. A simple misprint!

Technician: I'm sorry, I don't follow you.

Customer: A misprint.

(Crickets chirping.)

Customer: A bug.

Technician: Oh! I understand. In which module?

Customer: Um… in the, uh… Eight of Wands… module?

Technician: Ah! Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? That's a known issue. We have a patch for that.

Customer: (Relieved.) Whew! Finally. That's great! I'll just give you my address so you can send…

Technician: (Interrupting.) …No need. You can just download it off of our website. The URL is www-dot-usgames-dot-com-slash-support-slash-downloads-slash-patches-slash-olderthandirtdecks-slash-riderwaite-slash-eightwandspatch-dot-html.

Customer: (Angrily.) What? I don't want to download the card from your website! I want a replacement card, printed correctly, on real cardstock! Is that too much to ask?

Technician: Well, if you prefer to have updates and upgrades sent to you by mail, I can sign you up for our premium service. For only $59.95 per year, you'll receive…

Customer: (Interrupting.) …Now, wait just a minute. Are you saying you want to charge me $60 a year for you to fix your mistakes? I just want one replacement card. One! That's it! Why is that a problem?

Technician: It's company policy, I'm afraid. But I'll tell you what. I can waive the fee this one time, and send you a hardcopy replacement for the malfunctioning module.

Customer: Fine. Thank you. I'd appreciate that.

Technician: Please hold a moment while I transfer your call to my supervisor, who will approve the request.

Customer: Thanks.

(Muzak plays…)

Supervisor: (Answering phone.) Thank you for calling U.S. Games Systems' customer service hotline. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi. I was just talking to one of the technicians, who said you could help me to get a replacement card for my Rider-Waite deck?

Supervisor: A replacement card? What seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, when I was doing a reading with my new deck today, I noticed that the Eight of Wands card looked blurry.

Supervisor: I see. Are you plugged in?

Customer: (Screams, then whimpers and goes fetal.)

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With apologies to the nice folks at U.S. Games Systems, who have been providing the tarot community with quality products for over 45 years, and whom we believe to have a good sense of humor…